Wolfenstein: The New Order Review

Who calls their main character BJ? Blow Job Blazkowitz…. As mature as we gamers like to think we are, I see BJ, I think Blow Job….

Blow Job Blazkowitz is the ultimate bad ass mother fucker, nothing, and I mean NOTHING can stop this freight train of a fighter. If he was a real dood, I’d probably hate him, gruff, rough, unapproachable war machine, but as a videogame Nazi killer, he is perfect.

The New Order assumes that the Nazi Regime has won the war, (in the 40’s I think) and that they have goose stepped themselves across the globe. Towards the end of the war, in a last ditch attempt to overthrow General Deaths-head, you, (Blow Job) storm Deaths-head medical research bunker.

And you lose.

Blow Job gets quite the kick in, which puts him in a coma for the next 15 years.  This is obviously a cheap ploy to throw loads of “advanced” weaponry that has been developed by the Nazi bastards. Because all the weapons look out of place NOW, let alone in the sixties… machine shotguns are pushing it, but the Tesla gun is a piss take! That gun is amazing… it can cut through fences and metal grills, gets free recharges from sockets, and it can blow fuckers up better than anything else!

What ensues is a raucous blast through…. Christ, everywhere! You literally go, everywhere. Blow Job proper racks up the air miles as he continues his quest to rid the world of the Nazi Bastards.

What the Fuck happened to him???

Transportation is really advanced too, achieving bigger, better and more efficient means of travel than an Arriva bus.

Blow Job befriends a fit Polish Nurse (for obvious reasons) and gets recruited as the chief warmonger of the resistance. The resistance is missing a key member, and task Blow Job to get him out of prison. Which you do. And he turns out to be quite the asset indeed. He is part of a long secret society of scientists, who have looked into the development of science “for the greater good.” And some of the stuff this guy is peddling is unreal! DARPA don’t make stuff this cool, and if they did, we should all be worried about Google’s recent acquisition of DARPA, cos along with some Google AI, Skynet will soon be a reality…

What I’m trying to say is that this 1960’s version of war could be the new COD, advanced warfare. It surprised me how crazy they’ve gone with this, as it most of it can’t be achieved now… but it makes a damn good videogame!

Trust Me, this fucking Nazi itch Deserved that smash in the mouth....

Blow Job fights through hordes of Nazi Bastards, with big shooty weapons, with wild abandon, where upon standing atop a pile of bodies, he would take a breather and spout the most delicious 80’s action movie lines, not the cheesy joke ones, but the hard as nails, “Nazi Scum” grunt. Locations are excellently realised on the PS4, massive castles, bridges, sea warfare, all looking lush. Combat is also great fun, but I gotta be honest, there’s nothing I can say that will sell it better than “Killing Nazi’s”

Should you choose, you can sneak through the game, taking a stealth approach, and while my preferred take on FPS is the American “Shoot ‘til I’m outta bullets, one is bound to hit it…” methodology, sometimes it is better to sneak. Using my amazing Tesla gun, I cut a hole through some air ducting, flanked some of the bigger buggers, and with the Tesla Gun at full Charge, I could easily dispatch them, and take out the stragglers with a quick knife throw to the ankle, (it kills them outright obviously) and it’s extremely satisfying. Equally as satisfying, going in all guns blazing is top drawer fun to. Seeing Nazi Bastards pile up never gets old does it?


Wolfenstein: The New Order does what videogames do best. An excellent shooter, with big bangs for yer buck, just leave your brain off for a while, because if you think about all the amazing technology, the guns, the Science, the Mechs, the travel, the sprawling cities, its seems as though we’d have been technologically superior if we just left the Germans too it….

8 outta 10….