Wolfenstein: The New Order Review

Who calls their main character BJ? Blow Job Blazkowitz…. As mature as we gamers like to think we are, I see BJ, I think Blow Job….

Blow Job Blazkowitz is the ultimate bad ass mother fucker, nothing, and I mean NOTHING can stop this freight train of a fighter. If he was a real dood, I’d probably hate him, gruff, rough, unapproachable war machine, but as a videogame Nazi killer, he is perfect.

The New Order assumes that the Nazi Regime has won the war, (in the 40’s I think) and that they have goose stepped themselves across the globe. Towards the end of the war, in a last ditch attempt to overthrow General Deaths-head, you, (Blow Job) storm Deaths-head medical research bunker.

And you lose.

Blow Job gets quite the kick in, which puts him in a coma for the next 15 years.  This is obviously a cheap ploy to throw loads of “advanced” weaponry that has been developed by the Nazi bastards. Because all the weapons look out of place NOW, let alone in the sixties… machine shotguns are pushing it, but the Tesla gun is a piss take! That gun is amazing… it can cut through fences and metal grills, gets free recharges from sockets, and it can blow fuckers up better than anything else!

What ensues is a raucous blast through…. Christ, everywhere! You literally go, everywhere. Blow Job proper racks up the air miles as he continues his quest to rid the world of the Nazi Bastards.

What the Fuck happened to him???

Transportation is really advanced too, achieving bigger, better and more efficient means of travel than an Arriva bus.

Blow Job befriends a fit Polish Nurse (for obvious reasons) and gets recruited as the chief warmonger of the resistance. The resistance is missing a key member, and task Blow Job to get him out of prison. Which you do. And he turns out to be quite the asset indeed. He is part of a long secret society of scientists, who have looked into the development of science “for the greater good.” And some of the stuff this guy is peddling is unreal! DARPA don’t make stuff this cool, and if they did, we should all be worried about Google’s recent acquisition of DARPA, cos along with some Google AI, Skynet will soon be a reality…

What I’m trying to say is that this 1960’s version of war could be the new COD, advanced warfare. It surprised me how crazy they’ve gone with this, as it most of it can’t be achieved now… but it makes a damn good videogame!

Trust Me, this fucking Nazi itch Deserved that smash in the mouth....

Blow Job fights through hordes of Nazi Bastards, with big shooty weapons, with wild abandon, where upon standing atop a pile of bodies, he would take a breather and spout the most delicious 80’s action movie lines, not the cheesy joke ones, but the hard as nails, “Nazi Scum” grunt. Locations are excellently realised on the PS4, massive castles, bridges, sea warfare, all looking lush. Combat is also great fun, but I gotta be honest, there’s nothing I can say that will sell it better than “Killing Nazi’s”

Should you choose, you can sneak through the game, taking a stealth approach, and while my preferred take on FPS is the American “Shoot ‘til I’m outta bullets, one is bound to hit it…” methodology, sometimes it is better to sneak. Using my amazing Tesla gun, I cut a hole through some air ducting, flanked some of the bigger buggers, and with the Tesla Gun at full Charge, I could easily dispatch them, and take out the stragglers with a quick knife throw to the ankle, (it kills them outright obviously) and it’s extremely satisfying. Equally as satisfying, going in all guns blazing is top drawer fun to. Seeing Nazi Bastards pile up never gets old does it?


Wolfenstein: The New Order does what videogames do best. An excellent shooter, with big bangs for yer buck, just leave your brain off for a while, because if you think about all the amazing technology, the guns, the Science, the Mechs, the travel, the sprawling cities, its seems as though we’d have been technologically superior if we just left the Germans too it….

8 outta 10….

Mass Effect is better than Star Wars

Let me begin with a disclaimer. This is based on no facts whatsoever, and it’s purely me spouting my own drivel…

Mass Effect is better than Star Wars.

I love Star Wars. But to be honest, I love old Star Wars, not new Star Wars. But the setting is what really brings the films to life. The multitude of planets, systems, races and religions gives us an ever expanding universe to get lost in. A lot like Mass Effect does. But where Star Wars gives us loads of aliens, rarely are they integral to the story. Sure Yoda, But most aliens are there as props, to make a believable world. Chewy offers no story line other than a giant walking carpet who hangs a round with a human. The main protagonist, Luke, A human boy, from a human family, meets a human Jedi, who tasks him with defeating a Human Sith. It could be a cold war film, Yanks v’s Ruskies. Even C3PO and R2D2 could be exchanged for a simple email,

pls hlp Obiwan, Leia.

or tweet…

#rebels #vaderscoming #emailed-you-secret-plans-to-destroy-the-deathstar

All Playable characters, each with their own tale to tell...

Of Course, then it wouldn’t be the Star Wars we all know and love. I’m still referring to Episodes IV, V, & VI. Not Episodes I, II, or III. Or as I like to call them, Star Wars toy advert 1, toy advert 2 and toy advert 3, but after playing The Mass Effect Trilogy, I realised how unimportant the alien races in Star Wars are. On the Citadel of Mass Effect, a gigantic ancient space station, all the races of the Milky Way hold an embassy there, and we Humans are the new kids on the block. You play as Shepard, Earths last, great war hero, are you are the puppet that Earths politicians use to gain a foothold in this galactic senate. The Alien races populate the council, and Humans are not considered enlightened enough, almost too selfish a species to care about the rest of the creeds. What leads then is a cross galaxy tale of rogue aliens, recruiting the races of the stars to help you fight, and a malevolent curse of an ancient evil on its way….

This is Star Wars....

This is Shit...

This is where Mass Effect shines. Humans aren’t the only thing that matters in this story, unlike Star Wars, where another tale running through is about family and love… bollocks to that. Give me Mass Effects fighting and fucking any day! The aliens are so important in the tale, that without them, there’s no Mass Effect. It embraces the alien technology integration into human DNA, which corrupts the mind to the point where man questions what species he wants to be. Mankind is given choices, save or exterminate an entire alien population, Pick a side in a long going alien war, discovering new alien races, and generally becoming such a badass that it soon becomes clear, The galaxy needs you fighting with them, Not against them.

Mass Effect bad asses....

Your fighting team is a choice of a band of reprobates from other worlds. A few humans, but then you have up to 7 different alien races to choose from. So for pretty much the entire game, you can go as part of an alien group… which I did, cos its loads more interesting than the normal human soldier stereotypes. And during the game, working next to these races gives you the opportunity to learn about their culture, and it’s not some woeful back story, “my mummy died when she gave birth to me”, or, “you love him and not me!”

STFU & GTFO

Mass Effect feels like space travel should, new modern technologies from the alien races you encounter, to discovering the galactic crossing machinery abandoned in space from a long extinct species. The Star Wars tale is a tried and tested good v’s evil story, but I feel as though Mass Effects richer universe makes that same good ol’ story that little bit more believable…

Bigger than the death star, but with better MPG.... Mass effects Mass relays, the only way to travel!